Its been ages since i last blogged. there's reasons to it. i lost my blogger password and i literally lost of words. there was this phase where i cant convert my feelings and my state of mind into words. my life had changed a lot in few months. im usually alone nowadays. u can find me mostly at home. i can even count the number of friends (not cyber friends FB etc) that i have with my fingers. its not like i pushed people away from me but its the other way round. i always found myself at the bottom of everyone's priorities. HEY! what i can i expect? im a nobody and unlike everyone else, i am far from perfect. haha. :)
sometimes i wonder why i keep contact with those who dont appreciate me. i always try to keep hanging on a thin thread. i just want to be treated equally. i want to be treated the way i treat those who i care. but they always disappoint me. what made me sad recently was an incident when my friend firmly rejected when asked to take photo with me via my mobile phone. i asked few times. but the answer came out the same. a firm NO. which was totally weird as the person casually take photographs with others.
it made me wonder. am i that fugly? am i that disgusting? or am i an embarassment? i think to that person, it is shameful if anyone see a photograph of us together. maybe the person is ashamed to be friends with me. the incident made me feel ashamed of myself. maybe i should just isolate myself because this is not the first time that people dislike to be related with me. the world is telling me loud and clear that i dont belong anywhere. whatever it is i have to be content with loneliness, its not like i have any choice.
i feel sharp pains in my chest. as if needles jabbing through the muscles of my heart. my heart aches. i feel so worthless. how i wish if i could just whisk into the heavens above. or even disappear into nothingness. but hey who cares right?